BITCHIN' BIKINI BODIES (?)

Even though it is currently in the low 50's outside, we are in the beginning of the summer season -- the time to drag out the dreaded bathing suit and/or bikini. As if we don't already have enough people and discourses reminding us of how our bodies are supposed to look, the major tabloids make it a point to publish full pictorial spreads of ideal bodies -- and what they consider less than ideal.

Last week, Star magazine featured the 55 Best and Worst Beach Bodies. Click on the link and you'll see the usual cast of teeny tiny string bikinis on enhanced, pilates toned female bodies. The names change but the bodies look the same. These pictures are highlighted with standard pithy comments on how the body is hot or smokin' or some other trite code word for sexually skinny. An interesting addition to this year's line-up of hot bodies is Britney Spears. It's pretty much impossible at this point in time not to know about Britney's troubles over the last year or so. Including her as one of the "Best Women" came as a surprise to me. It seems that Star and other magazines have banked a lot of money over the past year on trashing Britney. However, the text accompanying Britney's picture says:

"A little R&R has done her body good! Brit looked happy and healthy during her trip to Costa Rica..."

And she does look good -- and healthy. She has curves. She looks like she eats. She seems happy. Or as happy as someone can be whose entire life is chronicled in snarky magazine articles.

It would be tempting to view this article as a turn to praising more realistic visions of female bodies. However, the respite from anorexic visions of bodies was short lived. In Touch magazine takes a different view, using the same pictures as Star. According to In Touch, Britney may be "hiding a secret" and has a "suspicious bump". To put it bluntly, the same Britney body that is considered healthy by Star is implied to be pregnant by In Touch. Huh? The last time I checked, most women's stomachs were not flat, they are slightly curved. Curves do not equal pregnant or fat.

So what are we supposed to make of these contradictory messages? It's tempting to say just dismiss them as the trivial talk of desperate magazine editors trying to make a fast buck. However, it's not that easy. As women, we are forced to confront contradictory messages like this every day. If I were to don a bikini and stand in front of a mirror I would have to conclude that, like Britney, I might be hiding a secret because yes, my stomach curves out. I'm not pregnant, but I am a woman with womanly curves. Does this mean that I should hide my curves and avoid the dreaded bathing suit? Hell no!

Of course, at the end of the day it's easy to sit at a computer and say I own my bitchin' body and I'm proud of my curves. Yet going out in public means that I have to confront the reality of these conflicting messages. I don't have an extra eight hours a day to work out and a few thousand dollars to hire personal trainers and private chefs. Like you, I have to deal with the reality that is my body. I'm tired of feeling bad about my body. I'm tired of avoiding the beach and bathing suits. I'm just tired of passively accepting that this is what it means to be a woman.

Instead of just sitting back and trying to make sense of all this crap. I'm going to take action. Part of my taking action is Bitchin' Bodies. However, stay tuned. In my next entry, I'll share with you my own bitchin' body -- curves and all. Somewhere, buried deep in one of my drawers is a bikini. As soon as I find it, you'll see it. No charge for the cellulite, curves, and fat that is my bitchin' body.